Ritchie McCaw is a Mincer - McCaw Vs. Shaving Cream

This is what we think of Richie McCaw in Hamilton. This is Richie McCaw vs. Shaving Cream. Here's your Richie McCaw useless fact - his name is actually Richard and his middle name is Hugh. Ha ha ha.


A reminder that this site officially opens 1st August 2009.

An Open Letter to Steve Tew

Dear Steve 'The Mongoose' Tew.
New Zealand Rugby Union HQ & Brains Trust.

Currently the format of the Air New Zealand Cup, the premier New Zealand rugby competition in New Zealand is under review. You in your wisdom as the most powerful administrator in New Zealand have put the format up for revision.

We would like to suggest that you reshape the competition by the removing the following teams:
* Northland - Whangarei is a horrible, dangerous place. Its not safe and there's not a fan base to support a decent team. Fans in the area are not passionate. People don't care. The team is more famous for its two year losing streak when its only win was the promotion relegation farce against the best team from the Heartland Championship.
* Counties - Manukau - they are bankrupt as you as the businessman that you are know that you've had to underwrite them last year and this year as well. They have a mascot that's named after a Dildo from a Clockwork Orange. What example does that set for kids, Stevie. They have a massive player base but no-body wants to watch them play and last year they were the worst team in the competition - and they still beat Auckland.
* Tasman. Nelson is not a very nice place and its certainly not a first division standard ground. I dont think that you should eat the pies there Steve. Struggling for identity they would make a great Hearland Championship Rugby Team.
* Auckland - Supporters not up to it, a apathetic place which is dangerous. Eden Park is barely functional as a location - the local crowds are invariably out numbered by Away supporters. A miserable place. Steve in Auckland people randomly spit on you on the street, Steve in Auckland there's home less people and street crime, armed robbery, parking is expensive. Steve people don't care, they're apathetic and need to go. Its for the good of the game Steve.

Steve as our greatest administrator were asking you to take a stand for the good of the game.

Nobody likes a hero Steve but you can be a hero to the Rugby public of New Zealand. Children would look up to you for generations to come. Auckland sits like a bloated leech on New Zealand draining us of resources and spreading its poison far and wide. Take a stand now Steve.
Make Auckland one of the four.

Its New Zealand vs. Italy

I mean who really cares about this game? After two so-so performances against an average French team, which includes their best player inventing being beaten up following the game? Michael Jackson would be rolling in his grave.

Italy. That strength of world rugby, that bastion of credible performances. No way is this a cash cow for the NZRU to milk. Horse shit. We at Waikato Uber Alles are suggesting that we won't even watch the game.

Lets all get our calendars out and mark the 1st of August. That marks the first game of this years Air New Zealand Cup. In it our mighty Waikato will travel to Invercargill and take on a Southland team who at home, should be dangerous. That's a game that we can put passion into. That's a game that we can feel proud about. That's when the good folk of the Waikato will dust off their flags, clean the cobwebs off our Mooloo Bells and support our team with passion. Who cares about an expanded tri-nations and a one off extra Bledisloe test which is a revenue earner?

Make Auckland One of the Four!

Our site has not yet officially launched - but we will be soon and our first campaign will be to Make Auckland One of the the Four! As you should know Steve 'The Mantis' Tew has announced that the Air New Zealand Cup from 2011 at the latest will be reduced to 10 teams, that means of the existing competition of 14 four must go, hence we're nominating the four teams to go as: Counties Manukau (bankrupt last year, $300,000 in debt before this season begins and the only first division team whose mascot is named after a Dildo!), Northland (have you ever been to Whangarei? Enough said), Tasman (yes really that is supposed to be a first division ground in Nelson) and Auckland.

Auckland - home of the depraved where people spit at you on the street, where you can't walk down Queen Street because of all the homeless people and nobody cares about the rugby. Home to 86% of this years violent robberies in New Zealand and a bunch of supporters unable to rouse themselves for anything. Home of indifference and a rugby team that each year barely scrapes by, home to random violence high prices and a bunch of mincers. Home to without a shadow of doubt the worst stadium in New Zealand.

We here at Waikato Uber Alles have decided to be proactive about it. We will be organising an online petition to have Auckland removed from the first division, we will be contacting Steve Tew and the NZRU in writing, and we will need your help to make it so. No-one cares about Auckland, no-one wants them stinking out the competition for another year join with us on our journey to make Auckland One of the Four!

1980-1 Ranfurly Shield Mooloo Mug

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As part of our continued research and promotion of all things Waikato we currently have operatives scouring the Waikato Region for items of interest relating to the most important team in the country, and the most powerful force in the universe. This Mug, which was located at a Charity Shop Celebrates Waikato's Ranfurly Shield Reign from 1980-1. It was brought for $2 and is absolutely priceless.

Daniel Carter is a Supreme Mincer

Well it seems official - if the Herald on Sunday is to believed, and lets face it since its journalism in New Zealand they must be 100% accurate, Dan Carter is signed, sealed and shortly will be delivered to the Blues. The Sunday Papers were all over it here, and while in possibly the most non-committal press conference ever Dan Carter earlier the week didn't admit it he also didn't deny it either. I want to make this quite clear - anyone from Canterbury or Christchurch isn't up to much and is likely to be a blood relative of their immediate family and has a high probability of also being linked by marriage. Six fingers are common for the area.

But just as we wouldn't be rushing to buy Steve Walsh a drink at the bar, or we'd watch out for the door frame if we were Adam Thompsons Missues Dan Carter's a massive mincer if he's signing for the Blues. No one in New Zealand is worth $400,000 let alone some judas deserting his province. Lets have a look at some other who've done the same: Nick Evans lasted just over 12 months and never set anything on fire. Auckland maybe also looking to poach Jimmy Cowan as well, although Taxi Drivers at Co-Op Taxis can breathe a sigh of relief as that may be just wishful thinking. Lets look at some quotes from the press conference:

"Christchurch is still my home and it is the place closet to my heart" (I'll move if the money's right, please don't be angry Canterbury fan's despite the fact I dumped you for the Franc)

"I am living here in Auckland but Canterbury has given me so much when it comes to Rugby"
(As above- but you moron but why take a sabbatical to stab them in the back?)

"It wouldn't be easy" he said asked if it would be hard to leave Canterbury "I'm where I am now because of the opportunities that they've given me" (No shit).

"I'm off contract for Canterbury but have not thought about it much while in France. I haven't talked to my management team about it yet". (You have to talk to your management team before you sign a contract? Where do you want to play you fool?)

"Although Auckland is a soul destroying place I would move and play for them (the Blues) if the money was right."

"Eden Park would likely be empty for most games, this is true, but I'd be getting 400k so I wouldn't really give a shit to be honest."

"Blues supporters don't know much about rugby and are not passionate but that's okay, the moneys good bro"

Well you get our point. Dismal. Todd Blackadder Crusaders Coach was supposedly to mount a mercy dash to 'save' Carter - but didn't go. And good on him. In the old days if you deserted your team they used to shoot you, professional rugby may not be as strict but sure as hell if Carter ends up on the bottom of a Mooloo Ruck come 24th October at Waikato Stadium justice will be done.

The fact is that without an effective back line, without a decent coach (hello Pat Lamb watch out for those Reds, they're REAL dangerous away from home) and the likelihood of injury (yes that's right Dan Carter managed five games for Perpignan) the money is surely a huge gamble, one that the desperate Blues shouldn't do.

Our Waikato Uber Alles Supreme Mincer of 2009 Award, before a game is played, before the season even begins goes to Dan Carter.

Daniel Carter is a Mincer

Well, well well. New Zealands most hyped player returns to New Zealand and has a press conference being vague about who is going to be playing for in domestic New Zealand rugby. So you own two homes in New Zealand Mincer Carter? Show some civic pride for gods sake you turd, if you owned a batch in Marton would you be turning out for the Manawatu Turbos? Shame on you!

Simply flaming the rumours of an imminent switch to the Blues is utterly ridiculous. Shame on you TVNZ for putting this up on your website, shame on you Dan Carter for this whole charade.

So desperate for attention that you announce a press conference to say nothing? If you had a shred of pride if you have civic decency you'd end this hopeless speculation and declare your allegiance, but then who should you be playing for, a union that has nurtured you has raised you through the ranks has given you a break at NPC, Super Rugby and positioned you to be playing for the All Blacks, or the enemy of Rugby in New Zealand the bloated, stinking mass that is the Auckland Blues.

Why on earth do you want to turn out for team that plays in a soulless environment, at a half empty stadium to an apathetic crowd whose mascot is a comedy pirate!

You'd think it would be simple but then Dan Carter - you are a mincer.

Virtual Tour of Grey Street Bridge, Hamilton

Location: At the Southern end of time linking Hamilton East to the City.
Cost: None - its just a bridge, there's no charge for traffic.
Estimated Time - four minutes to walk the length.
Details - Hamilton is known as the city of five bridges. This is one of the five bridges.
Interesting Fact - Well if you really want to find out the bridge you can click here. The bridge is illuminated in the evening (if your from Auckland this means "lit up").
Safety Level - The bridge links the city to Hamilton East, that's where the University is so at the weekend and in the evenings there's all manner of flotsam and jetsam heading in both directions.

Virtual Tour of Grey Street Bridge, Hamilton

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Pat Lam - Just Bloody Useless

According to the New Zealand Herald Sport Section Today 7/6/09 a story have former All Black and Blues CEO Andy Dalton "squaring off" with Pat Lam about the direction of the Blues for 2010 and the performance this year.

Where to start.

The Auckland Blues year were abysmal. A travesty of the competition. They received numerous hidings throughout the competition, primarily from us at Waikato Stadium 63-34, but also got rolled by the Reds at home 24-31, lost to the Hurricanes 45-27, lost to Canterybury at home 13-15, lost to the Brumbies 37-15, lost to the Warratahs at home 22-27. Just shameful.

Pat Lam, you as the coach you and you alone are ultimately responsible, where's your pride in the jersey and the job that you've done? Where's your sense of honour to say to Andy Dalton - 'I'm out of my depth and I don't know what I am doing?' At what point do you say, it was my choice to play Toeava at fullback? Lead by example - give up. A mediocre NPC win does not make you qualified for the Super 14 and look at how out of depth you were.

And the problem with the team is the assistant coaches? What about Kevin Mealamu's speeches after the game if any things criminal after the Chiefs had wiped the floor with the hapless Blues he stood at Waikato Stadium and told the baying crowd that they'd played well all up and just had one or two areas to work on - try your defence judas. Shane Howarth may well be an Auckland mincer from way back but how can he be held responsible for the awfulness of the team?

The truth is the apathetic Auckland public are the one's to blame. There is no passion from supporters of the Auckland Blues. Apathy from the supporters spills onto the players who realise that no-body cares what they do, and lo and behold its okay to lose at home to the Queensland Reds in pool play, oh how Bluebeard the pirate and his mates wished that those lights had stayed off, and should have stayed off for good.

Pat Lam for the good of New Zealand Rugby do us a favour and fall on your sword.

Good Riddance to the Waipa Delta

Here's a fact as we consider the departure of the Waipa Delta - the people of Auckland don't care so its doomed to failure on the Waitemata Harbour. Here's your second fact about the paddle steamer - the paddles on the boat are actually fake, they don't actual paddle the boat and it was only ever for show.

Last week we at WUA were busy completing a photo-essay on the Grey Street Bridge. It so happened that our expedition coincided with the final day of the Waipa Delta in Hamilton. It was literally below us within spitting distance. Won't go over the too-ing and fro-ing between the owner Mark Goudie and the City Council, couldn't care less, but if there's one thing that we are sure of its the people of Auckland wont care at all.

The boats licensed for inland waters only, that means it has to have a coast on both sides. The boat will now be based at the Auckland Maritime Museum at the Viaduct Basin. Ugh. Ugly. Down town Auckland's bad enough during the day but the Viaduct at night would have to be one of the most awful places in the civilised world. Public drunkenness, people urinating on each other, fighting, violence, oppression, random acts of stupidity and that's just what goes on inside some of the bars.

I can imagine the commentary now "here we are travelling along the Auckland Waterfront to our right we have extensive tagging and vandalism, there's currently street crime in progress over there, to your left you can see a group of homeless people who for warmth appear to be setting on fire one of their group..."

The Waipa Delta in Hamilton positioned itself uniquely and made a statement by voyaging to the city of the damned its reduced itself to a sideshow in a freak location. Now it will reside in a cheesy location (Bluebeard the pirate didn't really die in the 18th Century, no he leads the School holiday program at the museum.) How on earth will it survive?